I've been here for a week and it's been strange. Mostly good. I never expected everything to fall into place seamlessly and they haven't.
Coming to a new town, knowing hardly a soul has shaken my confidence in a way I couldn't have anticipated. In Calgary, where I have deep relationships with bros and hoes, it is easy to recognize who I am. I need only interact with a friend to see the love in their eyes. Here, everyone is a stranger. I'm a stranger.
Part of me says this is a sign of weakness. I haven't exactly been comforatable in my own skin. That my ego isn't as big (in a good way) as I thought it was.
I'm excited to get past this stage and start to reshape my identity through the eyes of others. It's not about being validated or having my ego artificially inflated. It's about giving to another in order to get that same piece back. You know, day to day living. People to share the burden of the past and the promise of the future with.
I almost left yesterday. I got as far as calling Greyhound to find out how much a ticket to Montreal was. Then I unfucked my self and started thinking clearly. That's where I'm at now. No thinking. Too much time to think this week. Time to find a job and put down some roots. That's the only way to figure out if I should stay.
The new Damien Jurado album is amazing. Devastating. Full of hope. Melodies that are comforting in their familiarity paired with lyrics that are crushing in their blunt simplicity.
is he still coming around like an injured bird?
needing a nest a place to rest his head
and a song you'll regret
But still you take him, Lord knows I don't want to compete
Still I sleep in the very sheets he's been in